Be A Man, Cry already

I am tired of the narrative that expects me to sympathize with CIS male’s performance of toxic masculinity because society conditions them against emotional intelligence. I can only offer an insufferable understanding of a patriarchal structure that failed at completely benefiting men. An understanding that cannot entertain male fragility beyond changing the standards of manhood, especially when it comes to holding men accountable.

The intersectional feminist I am feels the urge to address male survivors of violence not limited to sexual. It is saddening that your healing is trapped in a structured illusion of your emotional capabilities conditioned in depths I will never fully understand because it is not my experience. Intersectionality exposes how deeply the conditioning is rooted in class, race, culture...

Emphasis on the black man who is held to a hyper, more toxic standard of masculinity.

I do not know where to begin addressing how to go about healing because I have witnessed how deep the block runs. The block makes you feel less of a man when you cry or speak up about your hurt.

The block that makes you feel more of a man when your pain is expressed violently. The block that justifies forgoing emotional intelligence for violence against those around you and even yourself.

While in college, I was a very active volunteer to close ones and strangers who wanted a sense of direction with coming to terms with their trauma. It was an experience I knew too well. For the first time, someone referred a young man to me. I was nervous that it was a teenage male, but I hoped to be of help. The first few times, he made great efforts to be open, vulnerable, and understand that it was not his fault. Nonetheless, he struggled to say out loud that he was assaulted as a boy, much less take the advice to see a therapist. In my experience, that is a normal response. It can feel like absolute defeat to admit that you were violated. This is not necessarily about faults. It was simply coming to terms with the new reality that you had been violated, which is the end of that. I was with him till we could not evaluate 'why'? How it impacted how he carried himself and how he related to other people. Even now, I can only articulate that part of the experience as he fell apart, clinging on to masculinity for life.

"Why do you struggle to admit that you were violated as a young boy."

He went on about the idea that the man who assaulted him could not violate him at his current age because he was much tougher.

I recommended a breathing exercise and explained that it was not about his strength. I affirmed I did not doubt his physical power. It was about thinking of the assault as something manhood could control; It was about separating himself from the little boy he was, to blame him for something he could not control. We made strides some days, and he cried. Other days he was homophobic and guarded. Eventually, we went in circles a lot and made no progress. I spent so much time helping him unsee the illusion that his manhood or/and sexuality was on trial, but he would not let that block go. I recommended he spoke to his parents about getting a trauma therapist who was black and male. Which he refused because he felt he did not need it. He made a choice.

After my experience with him, I developed a bias towards teenage and older males who appeared set on performing hypermasculinity. The bias was that there was no getting through to them because they did not believe in holding other men accountable, much less themselves. I firmly believed so till I did an internship with a cultural center within a low-income community. I met more teenagers who showed openness, understanding, and maturity beyond my ignorant expectation of their ignorance. Many of whom had guidance against toxic and hypermasculinity. My bias had to come to terms with the reality that calling out societal roles in enforcing the standard of hypermasculinity is a form of accountability towards achieving emotional freedom.

Every act refusing to call out toxic standards and performances of masculinity is responsible for the norm of violence plaguing our existence. Nonetheless, our understanding of the emotional embargo society places on males should never be at the expense of holding them accountable.

Our entire world cannot afford to fall short of holding men accountable any further. I thought about listing several ways society holds every other gender accountable as a justification. Even under the circumstances beyond their control and especially where the perpetrators are men. Tagging "daddy issues" on girls abandoned by fathers so that they bear the responsibility of another incompetent segment dominated by men. Approaching trans women deaths with the statement "did she tell him?" so that the dead victim carries the responsibility of a man who cannot attain the emotional intelligence to understand his sexual preference. Another incompetent segment dominated by men. Labeling shame as being a victim of assault so that survivors carry the responsibility of sexual predators another incompetent segment dominated by men… get the idea?

This blog calls for awareness targeted at CIS men who cannot comprehend their role in attaining emotional intelligence. You still have to do work. Holding society accountable does not relieve the responsibility of making an effort to unlearn toxicity and be better. Men will be responsible for their words, actions, and choices like every other group, if not more. Emphasis on men because they commit most crimes and the tired narrative whereby everyone else carries their responsibility. In a patriarchal world where the spotlight is always on men, their needs, performances, and desires, it bears leaving a reminder that society fucks up every single person's personal journey one way or another, all under the umbrella of being conditioned to the norm. Therefore male fragility will not get any special treatment.

We all have a responsibility to hold ourselves accountable for healing from systemic consequences, and that alone is enough reason to cry, so be a man and cry already.

Cry your heart out because you will be held accountable for any toxic act regardless.

Cry your heart out because being a man is human, and humans are emotional beings.

Cry your heart out because you still have to do the healing work you have the privilege to run from.

Cry your heart out because limited EQ should never justify violent and abusive acts in any way. Yet that has been the norm for CIS men, and everyone else is done suffering for that shit.