I apologize that I cannot be there for you like I once was. You became accustomed to my self sacrifices and may never see me any other way. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel different if you were there for me when I needed it the most. If I hadn't gone through some hard times utterly alone. Now we'll never know.
I remember trying to be there for you still, hoping you would see the strength in my kindness, but all you saw was your ego. All you ever cared to do was take and take ... still.
So forgive me, I'm a little like you now. I finally learned to be selfish as fuck about me, my needs, my desires, my boundaries...
and I am not sorry.
There are several psychological interpretations of people pleasing, indulging in studying them was a much needed research on my part to undo how tangled up I was with people pleasing. More specifically how it stems from traumatic childhoods or/and relationships. In some cases, the trauma is abandonment and people pleasing is a coping mechanism tactic in hopes of never dealing with the pain of being rejected again. In another case, people pleasing was instilled to define who you are from a young age. You learned a transactional love where showing up for others, even at the expense of yourself is how you were accepted, how you earned and received love. In other cases, you know better but find yourself in manipulative relationships with narcissists or trauma bonds or people who only understand love as people pleasing, eventually, subconsciously or consciously you begin to lose your ground, self and boundaries in the entanglement that is people pleasing. There's is a lot more to explore as far as the cause and effect factor but that is not what this blog is about.
Learning the cause and effect of why you people please is the first step towards overcoming. I remember reaching this point and questioning if people pleasing was all bad, that perhaps maybe if I extended it to the right people, the internal work ahead would be less intense. I would come to learn that if you will do anything, do it fully and do it well. Personally, I actively try to make sure no one in my life feels they have to people please for my love and kindness, especially not at their own expense. I have always been intentional about making sure loved ones are not subjected to any of the unkindness I experienced, Yes, a lot of it was embedded in people pleasing but I maintain I do not want anyone self sacrificing for my sake. The bitter truth is I cannot expect anyone else to have the same beliefs, fortunately or unfortunately people get to decide for themselves what their conscience can tolerate and as self righteous as it may sound, my conscience could not allow people pleasing and self sacrificing from others. Why then, did I allow myself to people please and self sacrifice, better yet why did I entertain love cycles that demanded it of me? Subconsciously or not, it was mine to be accountable for.
The sad reality about humanity is, a lot of people are starved of love, kindness and affection. Some people become so lost in the hunger having never experienced these values, some are exhausted people pleasers and in other cases people are so caught up in the tragic state of the world. Whatever the case, instead of meeting these values and nurturing them, giving them room to grow, humanity sucks it dry, taking as much as they can before its gone or all dried up. Its not enough to learn where your people pleasing tactics stem from, you must find healthier ways to show up for people you love, you must learn to show up in a way that does not drain your kindness, love and self. Especially if like me, preserving kindness and love is important to you. A quote in the book Sojourner A Poetry Memoir reads "When someone loves you, they will help you sacrifice your soul for their sake if you offer. Choose you, and all will fall in line." The joy in the long tedious journey to stop people pleasing is the fact that you will learn to choose self. To say no and damn the guilt or shame where your boundaries around self is concerned, and the best part is you get to maintain healthy relationships with authentic and healthy people who genuinely care for you.
I struggled to say no, I was a people pleaser through and through, codependent on my family emotionally and psychologically. I did not know love any other way. My journey to stop people pleasing started with therapy, once I traced the foundation of my self sacrificing tactics, it dawned on me that it was going to be a very lonely journey and I had to go away on my own. I was afraid and made all the excuses I could think of. Where self sacrifice is the only option, there is always the option to leave and I was terrified to say the least but the universe had a way of pushing me to face my fears. Circumstances would force me to leave my family and friends, alone with my dog I walked away from an unhealthy foundation to redefine my voice and who I am. The unhealthy foundation being self sacrificing to please people, protect predators and silence trauma at the expense of mental health and general well being. The unhealthy foundation being keeping up the illusion of a healthy foundation. Little did I know that was just the beginning, healing is not a destination after-all. At some point I found myself livid at the harder path I chose. It was as though my commitment to healing was being tested at every point. I had to be firm on the determination to not self sacrifice or people please. Not for love, not for kindness, not for money, not for support, not for empty promises, not for clout, not for the illusion of a healthy relationship, not where there is blatant disregard for my person, my boundaries, not now, not anymore, not at all. It is not an easy cycle to break but is most worth it. My time away was an eye opening journey, but the inspiration for this article is reconnecting with loved ones again again towards genuine and healthy relationships. According to some astrologists or/and spiritualists, what I am experiencing is my Saturn return. Reconnecting feels like the final part of a hard test, because their best knowledge and perception of me is who I was. As such, its so easy to be put in a state where my energy is exhausted towards fighting against being shoved back into the box of who I once was. Except I have been through way too much and made peace in depth with the past and every version of my self. I am a woman who learned to build a home within herself, nothing shakes me for too long.
When people pleasing stops, you say no without guilt or shame, you understand the privilege of getting to know self away from others standards, needs and expectations. You learn to carry self with privilege and to only entertain folks who honor that privilege. When people pleasing stop, you get to preserve and nurture kindness, love and self in a way that is rewarding. You get to love self through and through, genuinely and authentically, your sense of self worth increases and reflects in how you carry yourself, how you let others carry you and my God are you not worth it? There will be consequences either way you will lose people, connections, lovers, and pieces of your self so its okay to mourn, ultimately you get to decide what consequences are tolerable for you. Either way, I hope you take the path that chooses you.
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